Fifty Shades of Reason
by Frisky75
Summary: Lyric Wheel II Challenge One Shot - The Reason by Hoobstank "I'm sorry that I hurt you, It's something I must live with every day and all the pain I put you through, well I wish I could take it all away. It has taken me a long time to get to this place and I finally had the breakthrough at recent counselling session..."


"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is You

(c) Copyright - The Reason - Hoobstank

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**FIFTY SHADES OF REASON**

CHRISTIAN'S POV

"Hi mom" I say as I kiss her cheek. Something smells delicious on the stove.

"Hello darling, how are you? Did the merger go as planned?" she kisses me back.

"Good mom, I achieved what needed to be done and now I can relax for a while" I smile trying to hide the turmoil in my mind.

"Fantastic news, knew you could do it darling" she has a proud expression on her face which is, as always, lovely to see but I fear that this is all going to change. I have a secret to tell, one I wish I didn't have to mention but my hand is being forced. It could tear our family apart and ruin my reputation which is why I must confess tonight.

I will pick my moment carefully, not before or during dinner and I need mom, dad, Elliot and Mia to be present. I will only have enough energy and voice to say it once.

Dinner starts off with Mia being late as usual, that girl couldn't be early or on time if her life depended on it, I smile though, Mia, my little sister, how I used to tease her when we were kids. She always took it in good part and Elliot, or Lelliot as I called him, my big brother always has my back and I, his.

Mom is going to be devastated but dad is the hardest to read, I really don't know how he is going to react. He will either withdraw and say nothing or he will implode and pace the room shouting. Shit I don't want to do this.

I try and keep up with the conversation between us all. Elliot is explaining about a new project he is hoping to start in a couple of months, once all the finance has been agreed. Mia is telling us about an article she saw in a magazine. It says that Paris is the place be when it comes to fashion design. She is thinking about London design schools though. I tell her she should go where ever she feels is best as long as she is happy.

Mom updates us on the preparations for the annual charity ball next month. The caterers, band and flowers are good to go so just a few minor issues to sort. I see the determination and spirit in my mom to make this bigger, better and more profitable than last year.

Dad is busy, as always. There will never be a shortage of clients for a firm of lawyers. Dad has put blood, sweat and tears into that place to make it the huge success it is today. I think mom secretly wants him to retire soon but that won't be easy for him. Besides she still works at the hospital, although now part time, my mom's reputation has preceded her for many years.

I can feel my pulse racing and a fine sheen of sweat beginning to form all over my body, main course is almost finished, my time is drawing closer.

A dessert of Lemon cheesecake with a raspberry coulis is served by Patsy the housekeeper and at the same time refills our glasses with a fine Dumenil Premier Cru 2006. Dad toasts to all of the days successes, decisions and our family.

I feel a lump in my throat, I wonder if he will feel the same in a short while.

"Christian, Christian" I hear a voice but I have not yet responded, its mom.

"Christian, are you alright darling? You have been quiet all evening" she sounds concerned.

"I am ok mom, I just need to talk to you guys about a couple of things with all of you if that's ok?" I almost plead.

A chorus of 'yes of course' and 'sure bro'. They all look a little stunned and confused, after all I very very rarely seek their advice or anybody's advice really so I think they realize it must be something big for me to want to share with them.

I take a few deep breaths and start with the news of a potential hostile takeover of another Seattle firm. I explain the management and CEO Jack Hyde of SIP are not willing to agree to a merger so the chances are I will have to approach the shareholders. I don't like this method but the company is losing money like running water down a drain and I am sure the shareholders will not appreciate the possible reduction in the value of the shares they own. I ask dad if I could run some legal stuff past him soon, unofficially of course.

Patsy clears our dessert plates and asks if we would all like coffee. All five of us nod and she pours the coffee into the waiting cups. Milk and sugar are already on the table. I am glad of the good timing so I can gather my thoughts again.

Mom pipes up with a reminder that its grandpa's birthday next week and she is going to throw a small party for him next Sunday lunch time and can we all be there otherwise she will sort another date. Mia, Elliot and I all reach for our phones to check our diaries and we all end up laughing but we can all attend.

"You said you had a couple of things to talk about Christian" dad says.

"I do but this is extremely hard to say for me and it will be extremely hard for you to hear but please could you wait until I have finished saying what I need to say before making any comments" I begin.

A few worried eyes look at me but they all nod. Another deep breath.

"Do you remember when I was going through my bad patch when I was around fifteen?" how could they forget? "My behaviour begun to improve, my grades gradually advanced, I stopped fighting and generally became better with life. Well that was instigated by a person we all know, except the help didn't come in the form of traditional behaviour modification or extra tutoring. It came in the form of sex" I hear gasps of shock from around the table. I put my hand up for them to allow me to finish.

"I was introduced to BDSM by this person who used it as a way of taming and sometimes punishing me for my behaviour. After a while It became like an addiction, I needed a fix to keep my mind straight however I realized I was being used by this person for their own gratification and I broke the sexual side of our relationship off. The need for BDSM was way too deep to dismiss altogether so I asked this person to find me willing girls who would be happy to participate. They agreed and had been finding me suitable girls to partake in this world" I look around the table and everyone is sitting in stunned silence. Dads drink hasn't made it to his mouth yet, mom is slumped back in her seat, and Elliot and Mia are just staring at me in disbelief. I continue,

"I had a new girl roughly every 3-6 months because they start to get comfortable and make relationship demands I was unable to comply with. I am screwed up and I have screwed up my life big time. I can't forge a proper relationship whilst I still have this load sitting on my shoulders. I hate myself for letting this happen and I despise the person that introduced me to this lifestyle those years ago" I sit back in the chair with my head down. I can't even force myself to make eye contact out of the shame I feel.

"What the fuck bro!" Elliot's voice breaks the silence. Mom is still shocked otherwise she would have chastised him for swearing.

"I don't know what to say" Mia says next.

Dad suddenly stands up pushing his chair over backwards and we all jump at the noise. He starts pacing the room, mumbling to himself but I can see the inner torment bubbling under the surface.

Mom is softly weeping into her hankie and that makes me feel the worst. I prefer shouting, screaming anything to silence. I can feel myself getting more and more anxious as the moments pass then mom says

"Who, Christian, who did this?" in a quiet voice. This is the moment I have been dreading the most.

"Elena Lincoln" I say a quiet as mom.

"What!" she screeches as she stands up "my friend Elena?" I nod "That bitch! That witch! How could she do that? She was supposed to be my friend and confidante for all these years and then I find out she has molested and raped my son! That makes her a paedophile and she is going to get what she deserves, mark my words!" and she slumps back into the chair, out of breath and shaking with rage.

I can hear dad still muttering in the background and Elliot is trying to calm him, Mia is still staring into space but I see a solitary tear roll down her right cheek.

I walk around to where mom is sitting and kneel down beside her. I hold her hand and say

"Mom, do you remember a little while ago when we talked about me, us in general terms?" mom nods and wipes a tear away.

"What you said that day, well I just want you to know, I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new and that reason is you. You and our family." she touches my face and pulls me into an embrace for what seems like forever.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, It's something I must live with every day and all the pain I put you through, well I wish I could take it all away. It has taken me a long time to get to this place and I finally had the breakthrough at recent counselling session, and epiphany and it brought a lot of facts into light that I refused to see before. Before I can start to put myself together right, I need to confront what I am and confess to those I love as it's only with support that I will be able to move forward." I say honestly.

Mia rushes over and throws herself into my arms whispering how sorry she is that I had to go through that and she is there for me whenever I need to talk.

Elliot slaps my shoulder and we look at each other. No words pass between us but we kinda know what the other is trying to say.

Dad comes over to me, his face is flushed, he asks me if what I want to do about Elena and I tell him that I have something in mind and that I will share when I am ready.

"Christian, you should report her to the relevant authorities" he starts "she should be punished, what if she is still 'involved' with another teenager? You could help stop that, she should go to jail for what she has done" here we go "how dare she violate you and continue to violate our family for all this time. The woman is evil, pure evil and if she ever steps foot in my house again I will not be held responsible for my actions" with that he storms out of the room and the room falls silent again…

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A/N: Really struggled with this one, was a bit hard to write. Please let me have your thoughts.


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